Adventurata

72nd floor / 2008 fireworks

72nd floor / 2008 fireworks, originally uploaded by g. s. george.

This is in Detroit, but it reminds of Cedar Rapids Fireworks over the river.

Support Small, Local, & Organic Dairy Farmers...PLEASE HELP NOW

Dear Friends,

The American family dairy industry is in crisis. Because of price fixing and foreign milk imports by the Dairy Farmers of America -- the country's largest milk "cooperative" which controls 40% of US dairy production -- the amount that farmers are paid for the milk they produce has dropped over 50 percent in the last six months. This is the largest single drop since the Great Depression.

Banks across the country are cutting off farmers' access to credit and at least two dairy farmers in California have committed suicide. The latest estimates suggest the price crash could lead to as many as 20,000 family dairy farmers being forced off the land by the end of the year.

While the problem deserves a more comprehensive long-term fix, the immediate solution is clear: US Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack has the power to adjust the price of milk paid to farmers to "reflect the price" of production. We used to do this...It's the same as "FAIR TRADE"  except for our own farmers not just foreign ones!

I just signed a petition asking US Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack to take the first step and act within his authority to immediately adjust the floor price for milk to a level that will keep family dairy farmers in business. Please have a look and take action.

CREDO Dairy Petition to Vilsak

Harvesting Apples '08

Cheshire Moon (Poem rated R)

Crescent Moon, originally uploaded by Reitstoen.

CHESHIRE MOON

I saw  cheshire moon

an orange mouth laying flat

just above the horizon.

I stare, amazed at the

Winter night's smile

with a star for a birthmark.

 

I wonder if you

in your home far away

see the same moon; 

 Do you see the satisfied grin

that we shared

the first night we were together?

 

That winter night

after flirting over ecovillage plans,

you stop run out and stop my car,

 "Wait, don't go."

A passionate kiss through the open window,

 and another, quickened breath,

Like teenagers sneaking into passion through the back door. 

"There are people everywhere," I protest.

So you go to your trunk and pull out your green  sleeping bag.

At the bottom of the hill, under the pine tree,

we snuggle inside the sleeping bag

on a bed of leaves over the frozen ground.

Hidden in the darkness, 

with only the moon to see.

 

The cheshire moon grins

 at we oldsters while we're throwing shirts

and pants into the cold,

feeling the smooth warmth of skin against skin.

 

Another  loss of virginity for me,

after those thirty-some years of marriage.

I who thought I might never

have a man again

finding sexuality and passion

with you.

 

Just like my first time at seventeen,

with the forest for a witness

and a sleeping bag for two.

With joy of now we laid naked

Under a cheshire moon. 

Stone Soup

Hi All, Spring is getting closer, especially today! I just ran outside with NO COAT, as snow melted and cardinals called. We have been trying to meet for the Forest-Garden Eco-Community every few weeks. How would next week work for people? I would love to host a STONE Soup supper where you could bring another person or so if you have a spouse, kids, or other at home who needs to eat, too. Stone Soup,** is a soup where everyone brings one (cooked) item to add to the pot. It could be a leftover, or anything that would go good in soup. I will have two large crockpots one with a veggie stock, the other with a meat stock, and we can add what we want to each. We could also have bread and cheese, if someone want to bring either of those. If the food is precooked, we can just add it and warm up the whole thing. If you can't bring anything, that's okay too. So, at this meeting I would like to talk about these questions: 1. Can we move forward on a local urban agriculture project though the "Forest-Garden," project? What steps do we need to take to move to urban agriculture. 2. I would also like to set up a Local & Organic Foods Coop that lists farmers and connects farmers with customers. We could follow the Des Moines "www.iowafood.com" pattern, where farmers can list what they have for sale, and customers can get online and order it and pick it up at a central location, and/or we could do the "Buy Fresh/Buy Local" advertising campaign of PFI. The UNI campaign for BF/BL has a budget of over $300,000, which I think is a good way to make money while promoting local foods. I feel strongly that there is a need for this. Michael & Lynette previously had planned for a Organic Food store to sell Cologna Organics. I see this as a continuation of that plan to make local organic food affordably available to low as well as high income people. 3. I see this as establishing an eco-community that would stretch over the whole side of CR, and eventually, Linn County. 4. Name: Last meeting we came up with "Forest-Garden" Village/Eco-community/Coop which I like because I would like to include forest farming, creating an "edible forest," in addition to more traditional gardening. I am still continuing plans for the ecovillage as part of all of this. I have a 11-page document that I'm trying to whittle down listing my ideas for that. The unfinished website/blog I have started on the Forest-Garden Project can be found at: www.carolberg.typepad.com/forest_garden/ Please check in for updates and information. Thanks loads....please get back to me to RSVP and for questions. Yours truly, Carol Berg **The Story of Stone Soup. In a small country, years ago...A traveler stopped at a home in a small village and asked for a meal and a place to rest for the night. The village was very poor, and the woman of the house said they did not have food for the traveler. The traveler said, "Do you have a pot and some water? I will make stone soup for everyone!" "How can you make soup out of a stone?" her husband asked incredulously. "It's easy," the traveler said. "Get me the pot and I will show you." The man ordered his wife to get out a pot with water and put it on the fire. The traveler watched until the fire boiled, the brought his 'magic stone' out of his knapsack and klunked it into the large soup pot. "Do you have a large spoon for me to stir with?" the traveler asked. The woman brought him a large spoon, watching as he carefully stirred the pot, and carefully tasted the soup. "This soup is coming along well," the traveler said, "but it would be so much better with a bit of salt and pepper." "We have salt and pepper," the wife said, handing him the salt and pepper. He tasted the soup again. "Not bad," the traveler said,"But it could really use a few leaves of the thyme and basil I saw growing beside your garden path." "Go fetch the leaves of thyme and basil," the husband said to his son, while he stayed intently watching as the traveler stirred the Stone Soup. "Yummm," said the traveler as he tasted the soup again. Good smells were beginning to come from the soup. "It is good, but it could really use a couple of carrots and some of that Lambs quarter I noticed outside." "Of course," said the wife, "I'll get it." She ran outside and pulled three carrots from the ground, and snipped the lambs quarter. "This is sooo good!" the traveler exclaimed, "You don't happen to have any cabbage or onions left from last summer's crop do you?" "Why, we do!" said the woman,"they're in the cellar. I'll bring them up." "It will be ready soon," said the traveler,"just one little thing would do so much and give this soup the gourmet touch...do you happen to have an old ham bone sitting around, like the one your dog was chewing on?" "Why yes, I just happen to have one left from last night's supper," said the woman. "Perfect," said the traveler. The man, woman, and son stood watching the traveler as he stirred and stirred the stone soup, while wonderful smells filled the house. Mouths began water. "Do you have bowls and spoons?" said the traveler politely,"And I will serve everyone the Stone Soup!" "Oh thank you so much!" said the grateful wife, taking her bowl of soup. "I would never have believed it!" said the man, as he tasted the delicious soup. "Boy this is good," said the boy as he slurped up more soup, giving a tiny bit to his dog. "My pleasure," said the traveler as he enjoyed his huge bowl of Stone Soup. It's amazing what you can do with a magic stone and a little creativity. THE END.

Weather or Not

My dog barking alarm goes off on my iPhone, which means it's time to go feed the horses.  I stop my post and put on clothes to go outside in the almost March-like weather we're having today.  It's windy and twenty degrees, as opposed to the minus five it was yesterday.  This is not normal for Iowa.  The weather has become more and more violent, with mood swings worse than mine when I still had hormones.  The snow is still thick on the ground, with little crystals picked up by the wind and swirled through my dangling wind chimes on the patio.  My other gray cat, a half-Abyssinian, Lilly, sidles over wanting to be petted too, and asking for food.   She sees Sonya and leaps in from of her, hissing, making herself big, and crab-walking toward her.  The dogs run over to join in the cat fight.  I break it up.  Can't we all just get along so I can go back to OS?!  

At the horses I go though the morning feed and letting them out into the pasture.  I listen to the horses eating their grain, and their hay.  A feeling of calm comes over me.  I wonder if the OS person complaining about the uselessness of the weathermen in Boston realizes what a difference a connection with the weather and the animals and plants makes in the life of your soul?  When I first got horses, I realized how little I had been participating in the environment around me.  How winter had become just running from a warm house to a warm car to a warm building.  And now, with horses and a farm, my relationship with weather and the natural world is a much more intimate one.  We're on a first name basis.  I like the weather.  I like the seasons, as much as I complain about them and am constantly looking for a place with better weather.  I am glad that the blizzard is not just a picture outside my window.  With this intimate relationship with the weather, I realize her power.  In the city, do you forget that Nature has the power to flatten every building you build and reduce it to rubble?  Nature has the power to inundate your basements and your buildings, swirling flood waters through all of your man-made constructs, around and through your dikes and high tide walls.  And she is going to do it, if we keep ignoring her.  We have had a free ride, sucking up all of the oil and coal and using it to power our cities so we wouldn't have to think of nature.  Our big by-pass is about to be called in.  The Second Law of Thermodynamics, that energy can neither be created or destroyed, the incredible equalizing law, is going to come due.  It doesn't matter whether you believe in global warming or science or that god is punishing us...this is going to happen.  I am glad that I have made friends with Mother Nature.  It won't be quite as much of a shock when we are forced to listen to the gods of the Native Americans and return to harmony with the World or die.  

Better Living though Brand Name Dropping

I wake up this morning, eying the clock which says 7:14, as usual.  My muscles are stiff and sore, and I don't feel rested, but I know I am as good as it gets since I've had eight and three-fourths hours of sleep.  Before I get out of my warm, form-fitting Tempurpedic bed, I reflect on the dream problems I worked on last night:  three houses to sell on gravel, undermined and washed out roads as their only access.  Ten people who are relatives, former friends, and one drug addict who is a compulsive liar.  Swimming in a swimming pool and a blizzard with a pile of snow in the house, all at the same time.  And I can't quite find my keys, or the way to get to the houses.  At the end of the dream, I decide to go to Arkansas, but can't find that either.  I know the dream is my "soul" talking to my "self,"  and neither one of us really knows which way to go, because all ways are filled with challenges and road hazards.

In my red flannel Victoria's Secret PJs and Smart-Wool socks I pad downstairs for my morning "wake-up," followed by two or three dogs to let out on the chain, and greeted by a gray cat who wants petted and her "wet food."  I used to jump on the mini-tramp for a minute or two, which always makes me smile.  Today, I just reach for the coffee cup, fill it with filtered water, and stick it in the microwave.  I'm still very sore and achy.  

I am fumbling for my morning tonic.  I used to drink Berry Brothers Organic Free Trade coffee to wake up, but I had to keep drinking caffeine all day to to stay awake.  I drank more and more caffeine, and still was falling asleep as I drove, as I exercised, as I read.  So I experimented, and studied natural health from Prevention Magazine, Dr. Andrew Weil's Health Letter, and my friend Janet, and Oprah on Shaklee.  I finally came up with my morning tonic which seems to work:  

(1)  a packet of cherry or raspberry Emergen-C, 

(2)  a tube of Shaklee Cinch Pomegranate Energy Tea, and 

(3)  a scoop of  sugar-free Citrucel fiber.  

With this hot drink, I reach for my one prescription (Effexor) which also helps to keep me from falling asleep, and the packet of Shaklee Gold vitamins.  By the time I have my second cup of tonic, I look around to cross check and see if there is an empty vitamin packet sitting on the counter.  There is.  I have remembered to take my vitamins, and probably my prescription, too.  So much for "mindfulness."  

At about the third drink, which I have reduced to only the Emergen-C (this makes 3,000 milligrams of C so far) I notice that my muscles aren't sore any more.  I start on my morning pages post, here, without checking OS or email because if I do, I will never get back to writing because I'm having so much fun reading.  

Here I am working toward sustainability on my little urban organic farm, making changes in my lifestyle to become more natural and pure in my habits, my water, and my food.   I rail against the corporate economy that robs us of our humanity,  yet I see that I am still a product of corporate America.  I still look for my health in the convenient single serving package, as advertised on Oprah, as recommended by my health care professional.  I just renewed my gym membership, and  I still throw away packaging and buy too much food.  I still am dependent on the system.  I am also very hard on myself because I know that ecological cost when each of us is wasteful or takes more than necessary.  

That's why I like Permaculture (tm).  Bill Mollison, its developer, acknowledges that we will not all become healthy, sustainable, independent communities immediately, but we must, "Do what you can, where you are."  I think that's good.  I'll keep doing what I can, where I am.  And that has to be enough.  Until then, thank you Oprah, Shaklee, Emergen-C, and the YWCA.  I'm still with you!

_________________________________________________________________________

Happily Ever After Divorce (from OS)

When he  left, the girls and I thought it would have been easier if he had died.  We would have been able to mourn, but know that he still loved us and had to leave.  Instead, he moved out.  He said he couldn't do this anymore.  He was sobbing.  I was traumatized.  I asked if there was some one else.  He said there's a good possibility.  Who is it?  I'm not saying.  I knew it was one of possibly two or three women in his life...a neighbor who was an artist and teacher and had dated his best friend D., D.'s sister who was younger and very attractive, or his long-time nurse and office manager whom I had encouraged him to hire away from the hospital because he felt so much confidence in her.  Did it really make a difference who?  Not really, except in my mood fluctuations, I had no qualms in confronting women who threatened my home and security, as had happened once before.  I could make things very very uncomfortable.  I probably would have, had I known.  She would have had to quit her job and leave town.  I guess I could have found out who, and chose not to, to give myself some credit for a bit of sanity.

As he told me that he would leave on October 1st, six months away, he cried and said he didn't know what to do.   I found myself comforting him, and telling him that it would be okay.  That I would help him figure it out, like I had always done.  At the same time I was screaming at myself and saying, "What the hell are you talking about?!?  You're going to HELP him with a divorce that you don't want?"   That is sick.  He agreed to counseling because it is mandated in our state.  I kept thinking...this is going to work out.  He won't leave...it's too hard.  He would have to move on his own and he has never done these things on his own.  So I didn't help.  And he did do things himself.  He found a lawyer that several of his partners had used, and I found a lawyer out of town because none in town would actually ask for what I wanted.  We worked very together as well as we always had. Both his and my lawyers complimented us. During the time between when he left and we filed, went went out once a week and talked more than we had in the previous five years.  I felt loved.  After a counseling session where the counselor had pushed me to believe that this really was happening, he held me lovingly while I sobbed.  I felt loved, but intellectually knew it was over.  Through my sobs, I said, "This isn't fair.  How can I separate from you when I still feel like you love me!"  He let me go.

He called at 8:15 yesterday morning to wish me my first "Happy Birthday" of the day.  I was surprised, but thanked him, and talked a little bit about some business before he had his first patient.  I assume his wife is in her place at work at his office.  After we hung up, I sat in my meditation chair, looking out the window at the red birds in the snow, eating the black sunflower seeds.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  Sadness for the lost gentleness of his familiar voice, for the feeling of home, sadness knowing that I caused the break up as much as he did by my depression and unpredictability.  Today I saw him again because I went to the hospital with M. for a MRA her doctor had ordered.  I asked M. if she had called Dad, and she hadn't, so I did.   The test was in his specialty, at his  hospital.  We arrived and sat in the crowded waiting room.  He came up to us in his long white coat as he always did, and we joked and laughed, and talked about the test.  He thought it would turn out normal.   We waited for five, ten minutes or more.   He went back to check to see if the techs were ready for us.  (They were sitting around waiting for the front desk to call them and tell them they had a patient.  This is the efficiency of our privatization of medicine.)  After he went back, we were called immediately.  When the test was over (normal, of course), he thanked us for supporting the hospital's economy, and walked us down the hallway toward the parking lot.  We talked a bit, then hugged good-bye.  It felt so wonderful, loving and comfortable.  My eyes teared up.  We walked away. He called us back. He didn't have any patients yet;  would we like to see his new facility?  M. and I followed him back, and looked over the new equipment, new flooring, new walls that had all been replaced after three inches of flood water had inundated the hospital in the record-breaking June floods.  It was beautiful.  He walked us again down the hallway.

 I want to think there was something for me in this, but there wasn't.  He has been separated/divorced not only from me,  but from his three beloved daughters who had no sympathy for his chronic unhappiness.  They are grown, but that has made it worse I think.  They can choose where they want to be, and generally, they are not comfortable with him.  What they saw was an absentee parent who was never interested in them.  They didn't remember the days when he laid on the floor with them eating popcicles, built them their swing-set, lead them on their ponies.  They remember only that he made fun when one wanted to go to cheerleading camp, or wanted to be a doctor like him.  They remember he was cynical about everything, and at times "an ash-hole."  They remember the times when he drank too much.  I know though, they have to remember how we all laughed together.  When we all went on an Alaskan tour and were complimented by everyone on the tour for having such well behaved young children on the three week trip.  When he tied our pony Jason to the swing-set, took the picture and gave it to his mother saying, "It's okay Mom.  I got my own."   Because he wanted a pony when he was a kid that he would feed grass and keep in their Kansas City backyard.  

I thought we had it all.  Maybe he would say what others here have said...that we didn't ever match....that we never should have been together.  I don't know.  I know he said that, like his mother before him, he was "just staying for the sake of the children, and now they were gone."  As he was leaving, I asked many times if there was anything I could do.  He said there was nothing.  His mind was made up. His heart was made up.

I sit here, at my library desk, warm and comfortable, the day after my birthday, writing and crying.  Watching the tiny flakes of snow drift down like white ashes from the sky while stupid salty tears roll in little rivulets down my cheeks.  I am listening to the kirtan music of the heart again.  I wonder yet again, what I should do to move on.  I have done so many things in the three years since It was Final.  Why haven't any of them stuck?  Why am I still here, living with my children in the town less than two miles from where he lives with his new, younger, organized and efficient wife?  

I'm still here because I haven't finished yet.  I haven't put away the thirty-three years of marriage, the pictures, the paintings, the furniture.  I have only put them aside.  I haven't put the farm to rest, or the horses, or the fruit trees.  I still have responsibilities to be handled.  Financial and work.  A house that was flooded and has to be restored and rented or sold.  Two daughters who still need a gentle boost before heading out into the world alone.   A menagerie of animals who cannot be abandoned.  

Yet, I find peace here, and joy and beauty among the challenge and chaos. I find blessings in friends and family, and comfort in a warm house.  And, with all of this, I still believe in "Happily Ever After."   It just comes in small joys, and in its own time.

 

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divorce, family, love

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ohhhhhhhhhhhh.... thank you for this, Carol. I've heard/seen/known this story so many times; most recently with my sister.

Today seems like a fitting day her in Iowa for some tears. It's all right... don't let your tears provoke self-judgment. You've come a long long way. (and the flood didn't help matters!)

I would love to meet for a coffee next time I am in your area. Or if you ever come here.

wakingupslowly

JANUARY 27, 2009 04:45 PM

It's a wretched situation, and I've been there too. As I said to someone else on an entirely different theme, you can't know the good without also knowing the bad. Your appreciation of peace, joy and beauty, of challenge and chaos and hope for the future, are your best tools. I'm glad you've found them.

I wish I had better advice....

Boanerges1

JANUARY 27, 2009 04:47 PM

Rated with a heavy heart.

Verbal Remedy

JANUARY 27, 2009 04:54 PM

I am sorry to hear your story. Most people do not understand divorce is mostly one sided. In over 80% of the cases it is one partner who wants to leave regardless of how much the other wants to keep the marriage together they can't. 

Your observation that death would have been easier is all so true. In the case of death the ties are separated and final, but in divorce there is still a connection the connection is only broken. This is true especially if there are children involved. 

Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

M Todd

JANUARY 27, 2009 04:59 PM

" I am listening to the kirtan music of the heart again. I wonder yet again, what I should do to move on. I have done so many things in the three years since It was Final. Why haven't any of them stuck?"

This is tender, honest. Listening writing. My divorce will be "final" next month, but that is just the date. I appreciate your questioning. I also hear your strength. You are exactly where you need to be, in this moment. I have spent a good share of time in Iowa. Have you heard of Strawberry Point?

Ann Patrykus

JANUARY 27, 2009 05:03 PM

Dear Ones, Thanks for the kind words. There is so much that we share and never know. Just reading your comments has started the emotion again in a good way. Please, do come for coffee! We can meet at a little French cafe just up the street. And I'll stop by to visit you on my way around the world! 

It is a perfect day in Iowa for tears.

Carol Berg

JANUARY 27, 2009 05:05 PM

Carol... I don't know what to say. Such flowing and poignant writing, thank you. I hope some of your tears bring healing for you.

Rick McCollister

JANUARY 27, 2009 05:09 PM

Big Deals

In two days, Monday, it will be my fifty-eighth birthday.  Not such a big deal, but I should probably do something for it.  I would love to invite friends over for Sunday night.  HEY, you want to come over and have French Stuffed Leg of Lamb?  

I spend a lot of time berating myself for things I have not yet finished, so I guess I should give myself some credit for things I have finished.  NOTE: I just finished my application for the five year forgivable loan from the state for disaster relief for my 401 house.  I think I will check with someone about finishing it.  I would have to remain a landlord for another five years...I suppose I could live with that, as long as I had good renters who sign a lease and pay their deposit ahead of time.  And don't have animals who destroy things. 

I just talked to Gary G. briefly. He is really hot for a fifty-something. Too bad it didn't work out with him. Oh well.  I did invite him to the meeting on the Eco-village tomorrow.  I think that I may have to tone it down to a cold climate greenhouse and farm instead.  I wonder if I should add onto this house?  I hate to keep changing ideas, but I do have to do something that will work and help to keep me sustainable.  I have been thinking again of moving to Fairfield where my best inclinations would be supported like meditation, dancing, learning, yoga, sustainability, right work and right investment for making money.  

Right now, the only thing that appeals to me is travel and writing.  And maybe watching TV.  Vegging out.  I want to go with Judie Fein to Tunesia in May.  Maybe I'll stay there.  I should sell the Town and Country Van first, then the RV, and sell or lease all of the horses and tack.  That would lighten my load considerably.  Then I just have to get someone who can rent 1399 and 1301 and pay the expenses on them, and I'm free to travel the world.  Bye, bye, love!  See ya later!  

Maybe I'll just get in the RV and start going.  Then I could take Chloe and do like Steinbeck in Travels with Charlie, his black standard poodle.  Haven't read that in years.  Maybe I should try it.  I always liked Steinbeck.  

Cheating

I have been cheating on you, dear blog.  You who have been so faithful, for more than two years have held my dearest thoughts, my deepest secrets.  Well, maybe not my deepest secrets.  I have been blogging somewhere else.  A shiny young blog, called Open Salon, that is full of articulate writers, artists, and editors.  It just opened to all people, but the editors are careful.  They have maintained a fairly consistent, intelligent group I think.  There are some discussions that get out of hand, but not too much, I don't think.  I am learning about blogging, and trying to learn the rules for addressing a larger audience.  More people read this blog I think than read you, dear Adventurata.  The blogs are rated if people read them and comment.  You can rate other blogs if you sign up.  It seems like many of the comments are articulate and constructive.  Almost like a writers workshop.  But then there are the others....I'm afraid I attracted too much of the others today with a blog that was much more controversial than I expected.  It was about what to do with bipolar-ish person, as a parent.  Some people who obviously either were not parents, or were not exposed to this sort of problem freaked out.  They freaked me out a little.  I had to work on staying peaceful and not getting a panic attack.  I told myself that panic attacks are based on fear, and I believe in love, the opposite of fear, and I create that around me.  I have a protection of love from all hatred, all other fear.  I send love to all who fear, and I carry love with me like an umbrella.  Of these three, faith, hope and love, the greatest of these is love.  So, dear Adventurata, with your little select group of family and friends that read you, I come to relax and know that it is all okay, that it will all work out for the best.  And if you want to, go over to the dark side and see what you can find under my name in Open Salon, a part of Salon.com.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I drove back from Minneapolis last night.  Late late late.  I worked on my email, facebook, then got a message from Julie that she, Peter, Mike, and Sundee were headed to Sammy's Lounge to start off the New Year.  I joined them in a surprise visit.  I had a couple of beers, danced once, and said "Happy New Year."  It was enjoyable to be with people I liked and that like me.

I showed them some of my fun things that I bought at the Tibetan shop in Minneapolis...a shiny zafu pillow, incense, and a Yak shirt.  

In every Now there is a thousand yesterdays.  As much as we want to isolate the present, to appreciate it for what it is, the past follows us.  If our mother was mean, we can only be conscious about that self-talk she put in our minds, refuting it with positive, constructive self-talk.  Our minds swirl around the ether, mixing with the thoughts of others.  The atmosphere in the ether is very much the ideas, thoughts, feelings we catch, we pick up from our surroundings.  Perhaps where we are most comfortable is where we lived as children...the loving, or critical, environment.  If we are critical of ourselves, we are critical of other people.  How to advance ourselves?  To let go of that harsh voice, to acknowledge it, to name it, and to be kind to it saying, "I no longer am a child criticized by a harsh controlling mother or a harsh controlling wife. I believe in myself."

It is  human thing to match people around us?  To emulate them?  Is that the way we form our hunting and gathering groups?  That is why it is of utmost importance to surround yourself with people who support your best, not your worst, characteristics.  

I have things that I am good at, and places where I need work.  Spiritual discipline, daily meditation, or daily practice is one major thing I need to do.  My writing can be my practice, as it was for Natalie Goldberg.  she spent years studying Buddhism under Katageri Roshi.  She still had Western sensibilities, and was terribly offended that Roshi  made the moves on her, rather  than seeing it as another form of prayer.  The sacred sexual as in the Kamma Sutra.  To our western sensibilities, sex equals exploitation.     

C?

Right now I am listening to a rather strange Christmas album.  It has a man, then a woman, singing Celtic Christmas songs.  They are something like folk songs, only with a Christ/child theme.  Isn't that a contradiction?  The Celtic winter celebrations were more pagan...with Santa as the King of the Elves.  It goes back a long time.  I can't believe that Christians were upset when astronomers stated that the heavenly astrological event we think of as the Star of Bethlehem occurred during the summer.  Jesus Christ.  You don't think that Jesus was actually born in the winter on the exact time as the Winter Solstice celebration, do you?  It might be when we celebrate this birth, but probably the Rabbis who guard his bones in Palestine know the actual birth date and are keeping it secret, like they have kept secret the bones of Christ for all these years...in deference to Christian dogma.  I was one of the amazed ones to read in Spirituality and Health Magazine that Rabbis have attended his tomb in secret for all of these years.  After all, he was a holy man to them, too.  I wonder if my mom would like to visit Jesus's tomb?  I would.  Would it make him less God-like to her? 

Crazy again.

Okay.  I woke up crazy again this morning.  This was why Gregg left.  I made him crazy with my ideas of an eco-village, restored wetlands, and eco-farming. No wonder he took up with his nurse who was steady as a rock outcropping on the Cedar River.  Wait, a rock outcropping on the river is not steady, especially during a flood or wind or freezing and heating cycles.  It breaks up.  But it does so slowly so you don't really notice it.  

Gregg did steady me.  I could always count on him to slow me down and make me think.  It probably was hard on him.  Now I have to slow myself down and think. That is what I've tried to do with this eco-community idea.  It is too much for one person to handle at once. Yesterday I was sick and headache-y, which I never am.  All I wanted to do yesterday was move to South Texas or Florida or California.  To heck with drought and earthquakes.  Someplace by the ocean would make me feel a lot more cheerful.

I do well to surround myself with people who are a balancing influence.  For example, Tom is balancing, and I think his significant other, Wendy, is too, but I don't know her as well.  Julie is steady, Sundee is steady.  Clark Rieke is very steady.  He is a good person to have around.  He's so smart in terms of evaluating housing, as is Gary.  I'm glad Gary recommended him.

Gary.  Tall, wonderful fine longish blonde wavy hair, muscular, friendly, outspoken, fit and health conscious.   He follows his own Way, is passionate, he likes to help people, even when he meets himself coming and going.  I think he also likes a steadying influence.  He's pretty hyper and tends to be self-critical, and a bit of a control freak, and he gets a lot done. He's always on the go.  I really liked working with him on Saturday.  We worked on a woodpile, him cutting with the chain saw, and me carrying wood to the pickup.  I miss having a partner...being able to work together on common projects. Gary was right when he said I would have been one of those women who liked working beside her husband.  That's what my mother did when my dad was in the timber, logging, or in the field stripping bluegrass.  We-kidos were there, too.  Do I try to recreate my childhood comforts in my old age?  I do have a fondness for the sound and smell of chain saws.  

Susan and Paula have been a substitute for a partner in a way.  They are incredibly hard, willing workers, and are extremely loyal. I can't believe that yesterday I told Gary how wonderful they were when he was complimented me on my work.  I must think that am not enough alone.   I wonder if that's why I rebelled when my banker said I should fire my part-time workers, sell all of my land, horses, and move into a condo.  I don't see myself in a condo unless it was a condo in the eco-community.  I could see myself moving to Guatemala or Nicaragua for at least part of the year, or to Fairfield.  There is a certain freedom in selling everything and starting anew.  I do realize that I feel better when there is less confusion...when things are more Zen.

I want to talk to someone besides my banker about my finances.  

Gary

seems to know a lot about saving money, and living off of what you have.   I really need to get it together financially.  I have this alimony  income for possibly another seven years. I have been working on reducing my monthly expenses, paying off mortgages, but not fast enough.   I should also save as much of this income as possible, while reducing my income tax burden instead of just getting-by with each paycheck and quarterly bonus. I don't know what is realistic any more.  Almost all of my saved money is in IRAs in the stock market.  The idea of buying gold coins appeals to me, but I don't know much about it.  It would be interesting.  I do have silver coins. Or should I  leave it in land?  Putting it into a money market account, or bank account doesn't sound reasonable.  Larry Nesset says his is in CDs.  I would get more interest with it in my high-interest checking, but then I might spend it.

It is funny that we have to agree that something has value...like we agree that gold has value whether it's in a coin or in a bar.  But if we didn't have food, would gold have value?  Probably not.  Then food would have value. We agree that the stock market has value, even if it's just numbers on a page.  We can exchange those numbers for money, which we can exchange for health care, drugs, property, taxes, and food at the grocery store.  We can give it to other people, and they will do things for us. We can buy their time and loyalty.  I wonder why we don't just exchange time or something else.  I guess that's why I'm working on this eco-community.  Now I feel less crazy.  There is a better way to live.  Self-sustaining Community.

Hell Freezes Over

Today.  The wind has died down from the winter blast of last night.  The sun is trying to come out, making long indistinct shadows on the green, frozen lawn.  Iowa transitioned with a jolt yesterday from a pleasant fifty-degree fall to a zero-degree, barren, broken, inhospitable winter.   Inside my warm little house, I stay away from the windows and their radiant cold.  I listen to the tinkling of a Christmas CD.  I wonder if I can both believe and not believe in the Christ Child, and the normal joy this season once brought me.  The softness and cheer of the normal winter is a thing of the past.  

The planet becomes more and more inhospitable every year, with larger and larger swings of temperature.  That which we took for granted...air, water, sun, warmth, seasons, rain, snow...have become our challenge for this life.  The Arctic ice melts and the polar bears die.  More and more species die each day.  We are in the midst of a huge extermination of our own making.  We have lived in denial...I have lived in denial.  I still drive my Chevy 250 truck to the barn instead of walking.  I have never used the bus system in Cedar Rapids.  I don't even know how.  I love to drive.   Yesterday I just drove around for no reason for an hour.  I wanted to be with people, even if it was a crowd of cars. The traffic yesterday was horrindous.  Everyone else is driving, too, looking for Christmas gifts.  In the United States, Christmas is the season of giving.  In Japan, it is the season of shopping.  We taught them that.  We just forgot to teach them about the giving part.  I wonder what else we forgot to teach the world when we set our example of consume, consume, consume.  Now our economy is split between retail sales and health care.  Our consumerism is making us sick, our planet sick, and my Fundamentalist mother believes the end is near.  I hope she is wrong.

Andy Rooney on Older Women

Andy Rooney apparently did this vignette on older women.  He said "over forty,"  I say, "over fifty."

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. 

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. 

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. 

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. 

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. 

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. 

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. 

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

 

Newman

Crazy week.  I met someone that I actually like, think is funny, is the right age, and is not excessively compulsive about everything.  He lives on farmer time...schedules depend on when the cows come home...

I don't mind that.  It fits in with my time.  But he is very high key for a farmer-type, meeting himself coming and going, even though he makes his own schedule.  He is always helping others, giving blood, fixing or installing a new wood-fired furnace.  He's funny, spontaneous and good looking. He works on taking care of himself; watching what he eats, taking vitamins, meditating, singing, dancing, and laughing.  And I don't know what to expect.  I think I may have already, in one week, worn him out by calling him too much, although he insisted that I should call him any time I wanted when I asked about it at two different times.  I think he needs the same things I do...stability and peace, along with passion and dynamic, working meaningful living...a way to be joyful and centered in the chaos we create around us.  We'll see.

I really like him, so if it doesn't work out, I will know that there are people out there that I can really like and maybe even have a relationship with, when I'm ready.  I was beginning to believe that it wasn't possible to find any male I really enjoyed as much as I enjoy either Julie and Robin.  I guess I will try to be open to the possibility that there might be someone for me to enjoy being with.  We'll see.

Palette: To myself and my daughters

Your body is your masterpiece; the place where your being is manifest in all its palette brilliant color, shades of grey and black.  It is where your soul says to the world, "I am here."  Your body, the sacred vehicle that carries your soul, tattles on you.  It tells how you feel...it manifests your love of life or depression, care for others or selfishness, health or sickness, the lightness of your step, or the heaviness of your brow.  It is what we first present to others as a gift.  It is what they first accept or reject. 

How you take care of it, and how you take care of the extension of your mind, your home, gives away where you are right now.  Is that why it is so important to some to keep reaching out to have all the trappings of wealth?  If you have those trappings of success, it says something about you...about your mind...about your soul.  There is no wealth without cleanliness. 

Does that make sense?  Is that really true?  Are the wealthiest people the Zen Buddhists with their extreme simplicity?  It feels more peaceful to me to think of living in a Buddhist style.  Do you know anyone who does Zen makeovers? 

We think we can hide our true selves, but in the end, the body gives us away. 

A Boring Dreamjournal

I am at home with my mom and daughters.  We are cooking and I decide to make two delicious cakes, one chocolate and one white.  I look for recipes, but can't find exactly what I want.  I begin to assemble ingredients for each cake, and cake pans and bowls.  I get a number of the ingredients, but am missing some, or am not sure if I remembered to add all of the ingredients.  The chocolate cake does not have enough chocolate and turns out only light brown.  The white cake is a bit strange too, without the fine crumb I expected.  (Is this a political dream?)  Finis.

I am at a house that I have been trying to clean up to sell.  This house I have owned for some time, and it has been in other dreams.  It is on a gravel road outside of Ossawatomie, in line with several other houses.  The house next door belongs to Gregg and his new wife.  They have a young teenage son.  The house is large, and there is a huge swimming pool in the backyard, but there has been a flood and one section of the pool appears to be overgrown with seaweed.  When I look closely there are thousands of crawdads, some nearly ten inches long, attached to the seaweed.  They will be quite tasty, I think.  I do try to pull some of the seaweed out without disturbing the crawdads and put them in a pet carrier so I can boil them later like lobsters for dinner.  

Several people have joined me.  Natalie, Mandi, and another friend who reminds me of Linda Vallier, Randy's ex-wife are looking at the house and thinking about helping me to clean it up.  While they are there, Linda gets a call on her cell phone that her sister from France is in town and is looking for an apartment.  I wonder if I should rent my house to her, and she could be a caretaker while I try to sell it.  It is starting to get dark, so start to leave.  We have a small truck, a large truck, and a car.  We try to decide how to get all of them out of there, since there are only two drivers among us.  I drive the small truck onto the larger truck, and then get  in the larger truck.  My brother Stan is there, and when getting out of the larger truck, locks the door with the keys in it and we are all locked out.  Linda and I push the truck which is facing downhill, and down some steps, trying to get it toward home.  I wonder if I am going to have to break a window again to get in.  Finis.

Lucky Me.

It's in the mornings I feel my age.  My head is pounding, just like it did when I had an all nighter, my muscles ache, my brain is fogged in until my first cup of Energy Tea.   I doubt everything.  I am miserable that I haven't gotten rid of my flood materials, that I still have at least two dogs that are prison escapees and cold blooded killers.  I regret my lack of exercise plan, that I'm gaining weight.  I worry that I have too many people, animals, and property to support financially.  And now I'm a Shaklee distributer.  Oh my gawd. 

After my second cup, I begin to feel normal.  All I have to do is get dressed and begin my exercise program...one hour of mall walking before the stores open.  I make my own schedule, I have a steady income that is more than most people.  I have three daughters that love me, and still talk to me in spite of my idiocies.  I have a warm house.  I have two incredibly loyal women who put up with working for me part time, and work very hard for me when I need them.  I live on a beautiful acreage with all sorts of wildlife, gardens, and ancient fruit trees and a vineyard.  So it's cold in the winter?  I can get more insulation and have it partially paid for by Mid American Gas Company.  I have an IRA, even if it has lost half of its value.  I have wonderful, wonderful friends...and I am always making new friends, there are so many interesting people in this world.  I'm really very very lucky. And my headache magically disappeared... after I took my Shaklee vitamins.

Sorry for Previous Stupid Virus False Alarm...I hate this stuff.

Dear Friends & Family, DARN IT!!! I fell for it! I rarely forward anything I get, but I did this one. Cassie emailed me immediately and let me know that this WARNING was a scam. I don't know why anyone would do sort of thing. What a waste of time...unless you are playing a game of "gossip," and want to know how long it takes to get around the world and back to you, and what it will actually say when it does? Maybe that would be interesting. But what this does, is actually make the "warning" into a non-lethal virus of a sort. I'm very sorry I perpetuated this thing. Carol 

Stop this Vicious Virus

Friends & Family, I just got this email from Merrilea, my cousin. I think it is valid, and a good warning that won't hurt to follow. It could stop this virus dead, if enough people get the word not to open the designated email attachment. Namaste, Carol PLEASE FOLLOW THE SNOPES LINK FOR VARIATIONS OF THIS EMAIL HUGE VIRUS COMING !!! PLEASE READ & FORWARD !!! http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/postcard.asp Hi All, I checked with Norton Anti-Virus, and they are gearing up for this virus! I checked Snopes (URL above:), and it is for real!! Get this E-mail message sent around to your contacts ASAP. PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS! You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment entitled 'POSTCARD FROM HALLMARK,' regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens A POSTCARD IMAGE, which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer. This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her con tact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all your contacts It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it. 20 If you receive a mail called' POSTCARD,' even though sent to you by a friend, do not open it! Shut down your computer immediately. This is the worst virus announced by CNN. It has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept. COPY THIS E-MAIL, AND SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS. REMEMBER: IF YOU SEND IT TO THEM, YOU WILL BENEFIT ALL OF US 

I wake up at seven a.m. with this theme song for today,  "Dancin' in the Dark,"  and a terrible allergy headache from drinking four ounces of Brandy last night and sleeping with two or three dogs in my room. Yuck.    

I finish my morning wake-up routine of vitamins with extra B, Pomegranate Energy Tea from Shaklee, Citrucel, and Vanilla Protein Powder.  My brain is starting to clear, and my headache receding.  Weird that once I take vitamin B my allergies and hangover become less troublesome.  All I need to add to this is an hour of walking exercise, meditation, and yoga.  I have started having trouble again with low blood sugar, getting dizzy and sick, even when I've had breakfast.  I read that nearly all of type two diabetes can be prevented by one hour of walking, five times per week.  I HAVE to do that.  

I also noticed yesterday that I am having trouble again staying awake during the day.  I was okay until I ate lunch, then I was sooooo tired!  I just wanted to sit down and read.  Even reading, I have trouble staying awake.  Plus my joints are hurting a lot more now.  

I am trying to look at what it takes for a healthy, productive life for me....

Doing something to help someone else every day...acts of kindness, acts of assistance...some, but could do better...volunteered for Obama, maybe volunteer at a meals program, help the homeless, or set up my not-for-profit to have experiential education on sustainability.

Getting up early, at the same time each morning.  Check.

Getting to bed early, but not necessarily the same time every night.  Check.

Staying very active.  Check.

Walking or exercising one hour daily, or wearing a pedometer and registering 8 to 10 thousand steps or more daily.  GOAL.

Eating three organic, homemade meals daily.  GOAL....partially done.

Filling up and snacking on more veggies and fewer fats and carbs.  GOAL...needs a lot of work.

Doing yoga, including two classes per week...Done....and a daily practice...needs work.

Meditation....slipped away....restart.

Making my house livable, clean, and work in files so I can find the resources for my writing....GOAL.

Writing daily, including journaling and letters to the editor of the Gazette....partially done, again....GOAL.

Keeping current on bills and finances....not so good on this...GOAL.

Working toward my GOALS and organizing my Non-Profit Educational Company.

EHM

I've just begun reading the book, Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins.   Wow.  Powerful, interesting, intense book.  It makes so much sense.  The history of our national imperialism, and how it doesn't fool anyone, except us, is all described in these first pages.  It is a memoir by this man who goes from the Peace Corps to being an economist for a consulting firm called MAIN.  It is his job to make these rosy predictions about how money loaned to small developing countries for infrastructure will increase their Gross Domestic Product (even it it only lines the pockets of a few people) so they will take out enormous loans which will be used to pay American companies for projects, and keep the countries paying enormous amounts to "service" the debt, and be beholden to the US allowing us to rape their country of it's natural resources for our own use and gain.  The net effect has been to increase poverty in these countries, with Indonesia going from a 50% poverty rate to a 70% poverty rate, while lining the coffers of the multinationals.  What they predicted to happen has happened.  We have become the Christian imperialists, similar to the position of England in our Revolutionary War, and the Muslim masses have become the revolutionary freedom fighters who are struggling for their very existence.  

When he looks at the countries that have been occupied by the corporate forces, he sees ecological, environmental, and social destruction that the "improvements" have caused, and he feels guilty because he caused it.  It seems to me that the banking system is totally corrupt, and that our country is buying right into the destructive pattern that saddles our children with enormous debt.  What a trap we have set for ourselves.

It is time to drop out of all of this!  I want to pay off my land, have no debts, & make enough money to pay my taxes.  I know how to do it, too.  Manipulate the system to work for the benefit of the people, instead of the benefit of the government.  Then I can learn how to become a producer, and not a borrower, and how to live off the land, simply and elegantly, without a regular job, but with working hard for a real livelihood.  

Mr. Economic Hit Man,  Thank You Very Much.

I will now think over my plan for the next week, minimum, and begin writing about it, before I begin to implement it.  This is going to be so cool, using a ton of things I have been working on for quite a while, and bringing them together for the common good.  

Weather or not

The weather is heavy with fog.  I can look across the road at the young forest and see the trunks of trees and their now bare branches layered fainter and fainter as they recede into the distance.  The grass and some of the underbrush is still green, untouched by the twenty degree weather that touched our neighborhood two nights ago.  One little seedling is growing happily in the gutter of my porch. There are so many things to do...pay bills, pay bills, pay bills.  Do my financial reporting for the banks so they know if they want to loan me money to refinance my mortgages they are now calling due because of the flood.  For some reason, I thought that just because I always make the payments on time they wouldn't notice that the property was now worth one fourth of what it had been worth.  Of course, when I get it fixed for a mere thirty or so thousand bucks, it will probably be worth something again.  I guess that is what I would have spent on a new car, at one time.  In that case, it doesn't sound quite so bad.  

Monday I had lunch with Joe, an acquaintance I met at the last SEED conference, supposedly to talk about my business.  Once I got there, it seemed less to be a business meeting than a spousal interview, as I have come to think of these brief testing-the-waters-type encounters where the male mentions things like..."I shop at Aldi's  because it's cheap and basic.  I buy their roses from Ecuador every week for just three dollars a half dozen.  I like to eat simply.  I could live on dried beans.  They're so easy. One of my projects is a Muslim youth camp on 110 acres near Coralville Lake.  We can't seem to get it off the ground.  It was supposed to be funded by money from Kuwait and Dubai, but there have been many restriction since 9/11.  By the way, where do you get money to live on when your horse business is loses money?"

I don't even know if this guy is single, but it did seem like a casual, getting-to-know-you type thing.  

I don't really want to 'know' anyone new.  At least, any men, at this point.  I do not have the time, energy or focus to put into a relationship with anyone except myself, my immediate friends, and my family.  No openings for new "male-friends."  I have met so many wonderful women friends, and even a number of men friends that I like here in CR and in Amarillo who I can easily spend all my time with comfortably without worrying about the male/female issue.  

Maybe I just don't really know how to do relationships anymore.  At least, not with men.  What I know is that when faced with a male companion, I tend to drop everything I care about and am doing, and focus on what they are doing and what they want. That just doesn't work for me any more. I had reached a balance in my marriage, where I did what I wanted, and he did what he wanted, plus I tried to figure out how to make him happy and do what he wanted while he ignored me and paid for everything.  That's a nice balance.  Now that I don't have to think of what "HE" wants, I am not sure anymore what I want.  

The main thing I wanted, and I do want, is to get my Masters in Some-Useful-Thing, and to become a college teacher in that Thing.  In a college situation, I would be using my brain to do more than be a place-keeper in my head so my ears and eyes don't collapse on each other.  I find that having a horse business does not do that, and neither does teaching yoga.  Teaching yoga is so wonderful though, I'm feel incredibly happy and useful without using my brain.  Is that what it's all about?  Feeling happy and useful, no matter what your brain is doing?  

Of course, I also have to do business stuff.  I have to save money, and manage investments so that I will be able to live once the alimony in over in seven years when Gregg turns 65.  It makes me think that I need to immediately quit all spending and save, save, save.  That also means I need to sell, sell, sell anything that is costing me money like the RV, and the horses, although I have cut down a LOT on the horse expense, and it is deductible. 

I also want to start a cooperative for building a sustainable eco-development.  That ties in with my desire to become financially independent within five years.  I could develop the land I have, making permaculture gardens and eco-cohousing for myself, my family, friends, etc.  Thus we could live in a Garden of Eden, with the support of a like-minded community, developing local food sources and micro-enterprises to support our community.   So for that, I have to do my business plan and get it to the architect, Roald Gundersen, today or tomorrow. Oh yeah, and I want to write a book, and travel and have to review Blair Frank's book.  I think I do have enough to do without taking on any more projects.  What do you think?

Squeeky wheel gets the grease.  Just got a call from the SBA again.  Back to business.  Applying for loans, grants, and paying bills.